Friend of the Cellar and lurker, “Bruce” gives us his take on last night’s events.
Today I’m suffering. For some reason I’m in a drug and alcohol dependence unit in a Brisbane Hospital. I think it has something to do with the drinking game we were playing last night. You see we believed Campbell Newman had a strong plan for Queensland and that people would see the sense in it despite losing the income from profit making assets for the next 99 years and the probability that my grandkids or their kids would have to pay to re-purchase any asset that had been improved over that time. We also believed Newman when he said that he wouldn’t be reducing any more government services – despite the wholesale reduction in services that was not flagged at the last election. We believed Newman when he said that investing $100million in a railway to allow an Indian Company to export coal (in an era where the major coal consumers are claiming they will reduce consumption) was a good idea. We also believed that Newman – despite having ransacked the Brisbane City Council while Mayor and being elected to state parliament for the first time in 2012 had considerably more experience than that nice but ineffective Palaszczuk lady who only became the Opposition Leader because she had the cleanest licence to drive the opposition’s Government Toyota Tarago after the last election.
So a few of us decided to have a drinking game. Bacchus kindly (after a few protests about quality and quantity) agreed to hook up a keg of XXXX ‘heavy’ beer to the tap in the Whispers Cellar and the rule was to drink a pint of beer every time Antony Green declared on the ABC that a seat had changed hands. Given our belief that Newman was right – we thought a few seats might change hands and we would end up somewhat happy but certainly healthy this morning.
You could say we were barely set up for the night when Anthony Green declared that Ipswich was gone. Fair enough, we surmised, Ipswich is a traditional ALP seat, which was always going to correct itself. The ABC hosts turned to Wayne Swan and Tim Nicholls for comment. Both ALP Swan and LNP Nicholls put their iPads down for long enough to suggest that it was early days and the night was long. However I doubt that Swan or Nicholls were looking at ebay to purchase something funded by the appearance fee they were being paid. Swan was smiling and Nicholls looked worried. Antony Green announced that his computer was reporting double digit swings across the state but he didn’t believe it. He should have more faith in his system – after all he designed it – we thought. Despite his doubts in his computer system, Green declared a few more seats had fallen to the ALP – we had a few more pints.
An hour or so later, we had a line of full pint glasses in front of us that you couldn’t jump over. Green had regained faith in is trusty computer, you couldn’t get the smile of Swan’s face and (at the risk of scoring a Godwin) Nicholls was sounding like Hitler in the Berlin bunker in 1945 when surrounded by the Russian Army. Nicholls was suggesting the numbers are a concern but we will overcome this temporary setback and Campbell Newman will lead us to victory. Newman conceded about 10 minutes later. We poured another pint.
By this stage, we had no clean glasses in the Whispers Cellar and well – we weren’t feeling the best. We did see Tim Nicholls leave (to direct the imaginary armies above the bunker?) and Federal LNP member for Ryan, Jane Prentice, came aboard to try and make sense of the rout that was occurring around her. Maybe it was the haze we were in but we were sure she was suggesting that Abbott had a big problem as a result of this election result. Swan gleefully suggested that Newman and Abbott were leaders in a similar style – and that Abbott had more than a big problem here.
About this time, the beers took over and while we remember Palaszczuk coming to a microphone, deliberately not claiming victory but going on to tell everyone how she will run a government – we’re not sure of the detail.
So here we are. Sorry Bacchus, we didn’t get a chance to clean up after ourselves before the ambulances arrived. The saline drip in the arm is restoring my fluid balance, the anti-nausea drugs are starting to kick in – and the doctor says I should be right in about two weeks.
Nurse – can I have some more Panadol yet?
Whispers Cellar doesn’t condone excessive drinking – regardless of the provocation. “Bruce is currently in a Brisbane Hospital and should make a full recovery – but is being assessed for a liver transplant in the future.